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So, I have made the first step and gotten the ball rolling. I moved out of my apartment in Pensacola and am living back in Fort Walton for the time being until such time as I am able to move. I am glad to be out of the apartment. I don't have to listen to Jenna and Tim play rockband till 530 in the morning, or fuck for that matter. I can actually sleep peacefully now.

I am slowly counting down the days till I leave. I will miss all of my friends dearly, but to the ones that know where I am going, I am very much looking forward to starting a new adventure.

It is funny that Jenna is still telling people that I trashed her reputation at work, when I did no such thing. As I said once before, she trashed her own reputation by her own words and actions. When you go out of your way to spread drama at work, managers take notice. Lewd and rude behavior is also going to be noticed by people. I never said anything about her behind her back at work, but more and more people are coming forward and telling me how much of a bitch she has been towards me, telling me how she was telling everyone I was stalking her, and this that and the other. Hell, I hung out with some people at work I had never hung out with before the other night, and even THEY told me the same. Has she told EVERYONE at work? I suppose because I am leaving, people think there is no harm in telling me at this point.

I think it is pretty petty and sad when you hold words against someone so hard, and so much, that you are willing to throw away a friendship. I could share lots of emails and chats, where she has gone on with things far worse than anything I have ever said, but what would be the point in that? Should I fight fire with fire, just to prove a point? I mean, it is a wonder she can keep any relationship at all with the way she treats people most of the time. I am not at all surprised that Tony broke up with her, though I honestly thought she was going to be the one to break up with him. I suppose at the moment she is getting everything she deserves, and is reaping all the very pain she has sown unto others for the last 8 months or so.

I apologized to her for the things I said in anger, several times in fact. She however is too chicken shit to talk about our differences. She always has been. If she and Tim had just been honest with me, instead of hiding it, and lying about it, then most of this would have been a non issue. But, hey, if they want to live thier life under a lie, and behind a facade, then so be it. It will eventually devour one of the two.

Her dad apologized to me for her being such a jerk, so I suppose that will do for me as far as an apology from her is concerned.

Anyways, just venting I guess. Things are moving towards my inteded goal, and I am looking forward to it. I hope everyone is doing well.

51 Days left....

I find humor in the fact that, although Jenna SAYS she wants nothing to do with me, she sent me a friend invite on facebook a few days ago. Also, in addition to this, she sent me an email that simply stated: "You sir, are an ass hole." Now, I simply replied "cute." She swears up and down that she didn't send it, but it clearly came from her gmail account... and here is the kicker... it was sent to my work address. Is she stupid?

You know, between the slandering at work, which I have record of, her angry outbursts at work, which I also have record of and statements from co-workers [My team, after all, is a managerial escalation path], and on top of this email which now crosses into the category of work place harassment, I have enough to get her put onto a warning, if not terminated all together.

Yet, I am not going to do that. I am above all the immaturity. I am bigger than her petty squabbling, and in 51 days, it wont matter any more.

In any case, she is doing well on her own to work herself out of a job. The paper trail has already been started, and she is slowly tightening her own noose with her own actions at work. I am just going to sit back and watch. And when the floor falls out from under her, I will be in another state.

I am just sad that she is doing this to herself, but some people truly get what they deserve in the end.

So, things are broken.

So, Jenna is no longer my friend.

We have been friends for four years, maybe a little longer. We have both said things to each other that maybe we should not have said, but the difference being that I am capable of washing them away and forgiving as a "Real" friend is want to do with friends. She, however, seems to be more intent on holding a grudge.

I recently, out of a drunken anger unrelated to anything dealing with or involving Jenna, said some harsh things to her, as well as some things about her current ex boyfriend, who has no job, and currently mooches off her apartment. Now, while my intention was not so, she insists that I threatened bodily harm on him. Now, looking back, I can understand how my words could be misconstrued as a threat, but anyone that ACTUALLY knows me knows I would never hurt anyone unless they hurt a friend or family member first.

I thought she knew better then that, I guess not. God knows she has done, and said things far, far, far worse then that, and even through it all, I still forgave her.

"If I see Tony again, I will end him."

My words, no one elses. I said them, I will admit it. When I said these words, my intent was that I would put him in his place as best as I could, because he is manipulative, he treats Jenna like crap, and emotionally abuses; however, the beer did not allow me to work properly the thought that was in my head. Yet, I also say this all the time through out the day, "I will end you",and it is never in any seriousness, and generally in a joking matter. There is no direct threat anywhere in this statement. Jenna did, on the other hand, threaten directly to shoot me in the head, but I digress.

So, we are at a cross roads, and she has chosen to give up a friendship of over 4 years over a matter of words. After much deliberation on my part, I see no loss. I was always there for her. I always provided her with anything she ever needed. I was the stable friend she could always depend on. She, on the other hand continued to be selfish, self centered, egotistical, elitist, abusive, and used the people around her on a daily basis. She is right, she changed. She went from a beautiful, creative, and intelligent person to a bitter, angry, passive aggressive little high school girl. I am not the only one that has noticed it. I don't know what caused the change, but I guess it does not matter. Perhaps she was always like that, and I loved her too much to see it. I still love her, more as a sister at this point [even though she insists otherwise, but whatever], but I suppose I will get over it, like every one of her past lovers has done. She has a real good habit of making and breaking relationships.... pissing on the people that care for her, and are there for her.

Preceding this, she has said enough things about me behind my back that my co workers are asking me questions. Because I hung out at her desk on my breaks, she told everyone I was stalking her and following her. Similarly because I walked her out to her car. Pardon me if I was raised in the south, but that is what we do. Of course, now she spends all of her free time at work with Tim, who was my friend, and currently is my neighbor. I have the unpleasant joy of listening to them soil his bed from time to time. I can assure you that I am less than thrilled about that whole situation.

So, in the end, what did we lose? She lost one of the most stable and dependable friends she has ever had [her words, previous to this, not mine], and I have lost a source of much stress and negativity. Will I miss her? Yes, I will miss the beautiful friendship I had with the Dr. Who loving, artistic, musically inclined, beautiful young woman named Jenna that I knew for so long. Unfortunately she has been replaced by an angry, close minded person that runs away from her problems and past, and deals with it in a passive aggressive fashion, if she deals with them at all.

I know I am not perfect. I never claimed to be. I know I can be annoying from time to time, and say stupid shit. I know I can be emo and emotional, and I am sure that gets on peoples nerves. Give me time on that last one. If I can thank Jenna for anything, its that she taught me how to feel again, its just she didnt stick around long enough for me to figure out what to do with it all. It is a lot for me. I used to shut it all out. I was cold and distant, but she brought me out of that. If anything, in the very least, I am thankful for that. Even now, if I could go through it all again, I would. Despite the hardships, she still is one of the best, and closest friends, I have ever had. I will miss that...

I am perhaps a little sad knowing, that down the road when it starts to rain, and she turns around to find me.... I won't be there. If she doesn't then good for her.

This is why Jenna changed all her contact information on her facebook. She says on her LJ that I have been making derogatory comments towards her for the last month and a half, but that is not entirely true. Yes, I did send her negative comments, but on maybe two, or three separate occasions. I have logs, upon logs, upon logs of her negative, bitchy, insulting, threatening comments that I have dealt with, because I just assumed she has been having a bad, stressful time over her breakup with Tony. Seems I was wrong. Or, maybe I am right... and I am just a scapegoat.

In any case, this is what is going on in my life. Sorry for the wall of text. If any of you would wish to defriend me to over all of this, as she has gotten others to do, I will not hold it against you.

I hope everyone else is having a good month. Mine is getting better.

UPDATE: March 26th, 11 PM.

Well it seems that regardless of how still I try to let the waters get, she continues to rock the boat. The thing is, I work in a call center. EVERYONE here knows me, and as far as I can tell, likes me. So, when you get drunk, start spewing tales about me behind my back, with insults, followed by "I like boobs and cock, just so everyone knows," then YES, I am going to find out about it.

This was just last night. And after those events, I again had the unpleasant joy of listening to her and Tim ruffle his bed sheets. Awesome, let me tell you.

And, she has also posted this about me on her LJ, which... whether she wants to admit it or not, we have mutual friends that like me more than her because of her attitude and actions over the last 6 months, and not just towards me. Maybe one day she will get her head removed from her ass:

Shitastic thing number two: I had to change my phone number and pretty well vanish off of Facebook to get away from Adam Warrenfells, who's sent me a long string of nasty and offensive emails and texts, including bitching to anyone that'll listen to him about how I'm such an awful person and how I'm nothing but a no good slut that breaks hearts and uses people. I absolutely love how people have all of these lovely expectations about me, about who I am and what I stand for ect, and then get all butthurt when I'm not anything like their perfect image of me. Pretty certain this happened with Tony as well, and honestly I don't give a shit. I'm me. If you don't like that, then find someone else to fuck, y'know? At any rate, I'm not speaking to him, even though he's doing his, "Oh, I'm friendly and I like you now," bit. After threatening to kill Tony, calling me a slut and basically smearing his emo bullshit all over my job about me, I'm pretty much done with that asshole.

For starters, in my defense, I never had any "expectations." I always took her as she was, no more, no less. But when you promise someone a friendship, and walk all over them as though they had no more value than the rug you were standing on, then yes, I am going to get "butt hurt" as she likes to say. I still thinks she uses people, but after hearing about how things between her and Tony are going, I can honestly say she is reaping right now exactly what she has sown over the last 6 months, and probably even longer then that. She complains how every leaves her for someone else, but for the record, she broke up with me.... over instant messenger mind you, so she could go back to Eric.... whom, again for the record, she cheated on me with for three months in my own apartment, but I digress.

And, the "Im friendly and I like you now?" I never said that I liked her, I am still very much angry with her, but unlike her, I do not hold a grudge, and am a capable adult and able to keep my issues in my pants where it matters, so to speak. She, apparently, is not able to do the same. That is fine by me.

I also did not smear anything about her behind her back at work. There actually is only one person that I have talked to about "us" at work, and she has been very helpful in assisting me to see how abusive, and hurtful she was really being. She did her own foot work in spreading the rumors about herself. Sitting on someones desk in a skirt with your legs wide open, and no underwear, where all the girls in account services can see [and subsequently tell me about it], flirting with EVERYONE in the call center, to consistantly raving about how she likes boys and girls, how she likes boobs and dick, and then spending all your free time with someone at work, who you then go home with after work dinner gatherings..... yes, she did all her own foot work in smearing her own image. When people asked me why Jenna is so pissy with me, or why we are not talking, I simply tell them at it is complicated and I would rather not go into the details.... I just wish I had never helped her get hired here. But then I find out that she is showing our emails and IMs and texts to my co workers, continuing to slander me further, when I have said nothing to her since, and have little to no interaction with her. If ANYONE is slandering anyone behind their back, she is doing so to me, and I am not at all impressed. I have a number of coworkers and friends that want to thoroughly beat her ass into the ground for what they have heard her say, and see that she is doing.

So, there are two sides to every story. You can believe what you wish, I just hate being slandered on one side without being able to defend myself.

As the hour glass turns... I hope all of this is over soon.

Melody and Joy

You always ask me
why I do the things I do
You tell me that I shouldn't
but I know that I can't help it.
You ask me why
My answer is found in the sound
the beautiful melody found
on 25 black and white keys
you birthed that night, in joy.
That sound, that joy, is why.
I see that melody in your eyes
I hear it in your voice, your laugh.
I see it in you, wanting out.
And that beautiful thirty seconds
of piano and sound? That,
That is what I see in you. Daily.
You see colors, I see song.
Everyone has a song, a melody,
though not all songs get heard.
That's why I do these things.
To help you find that smile again,
That which graced the room that night,
and to help you find your song
and sing it loudly to the world.
It is all I have ever wanted.
That friendship, found in sounds
of melody, song, and smiles.

Play it again.

Ode to January...

So, January is about over.

Lets see, I am a year older, go me. I am more financially stable than I was when I was spending less on rent. Go figure. I'm making new friends, and forging ahead with the will of my own creativity and imagination. So far the year is looking good.

I am in the works to get my music mind back in motion. I have been actively rebuilding my music library with the intentions of getting back into spinning house music at some point. I have no idea where this endeavor will take me, but I am positive it will take me someplace new, and hopefully unfold some new adventures. I ultimate goal is to try and get at least two DJ gigs a year... somewhere... as guest DJ or what have you. Need to get some Mix CDs made sometime down the road. Along that line of thought though, I am getting my music production back in place. I have managed to recover all... well... most of my music software. I will be getting a Korg or M Audio midi Controller and synthesizer here soon to help me towards that end. I have music in my head, and it needs to come out.

I am still debating as to whether or not I want, or need, to get a Bass guitar. I so miss playing from time to time. For now I have to get my Bass Guitar fix from playing rock band with Tim.

I am also talking to a couple people at the moment, potential relationship interests. I will just have to wait and see how those develop.

So far the year is going well. I just need to be patient with the speed at which things are developing, and hope for the best. If all else fails... I still have a bunch of really bad ass music. ^_^

I am going places, and if I have to do it by myself, then so be it. :P More for me ^_^

Pondering over Debussi.....

So, I started off the new year with a new apartment. I live on my own now, without worry of room mates eating my food, having to fight with a dirty kitchen, or even fighting for a parking spot. It is taking me some getting use to living on my own, but the solace of silence is comforting at times, but at other times it can be terribly lonely. I am still adjusting....

I have made a lot of new friends over the last few months. I try to hang out with as many of them as regularly as I can. The people I work with are absolutely amazing, and I love my job. I can think of little that I want or need at this exact moment, and for what I can tell, I have everything I need.

But... for whatever reason, my life still feels inexplicably empty, and I do not know why.

Right now I am just sitting here listening to Cluade Debussi and all I can think about or say to myself is "now what." I have done so much in my short life, but alternatively I have accomplished so little. I can not seem to hold on to anything of any value, whether if be friends, relationships, or what have you. I look back and I realize that there is not one friend I have now that I have known for more than six years. My job seems to change every 2-3 years, and friends seem to fade out of my life faster than the stars at dawn. Will this time be different? Will I finally have, hold, and maintain a meaningful relationship with the friends that I have now?

I often wonder if I am simply a leaf on the wind, drifting through the lives of others, or if everyone else is simply drifting through mine.

Hope is what I hold on to, my candle light, and sometimes I am afraid the breeze will blow it out.

I do have doubts that I will find anything meaningful beyond friendship with anyone. I have broken too many hearts myself, and mine has been shattered likewise. Too many times have I watched others turn their back on me, just to watch them walk away and embrace someone else. I think that perhaps I am just not fit for a relationship.

So, where do I go from here. Stuff is just stuff. It could all burn, and I wouldnt even care. Anything physical is temporary and fleeting. The only things that have ever mattered to me are the relationships I have with others, and it would be my luck that they are the one thing I can't ever seem to maintain.

Im staring at a drawing on my coffee table, wishing I could talk to it or maybe the artist. I miss meaningful conversations. Debussi is nice to listen to, but Claude will never reply, or answer my questions. No, there are no hugs from Mr. Debussi, just a distant memory of melody over ivory keys. I wish I could close my eyes and melt away into the music.

I sometimes, morbidly I might add, wonder what people will remember of me when I am gone. I wonder out of all the people I have met and made friends with, who would actually show up at my funeral? I remember how sad I was at my Grandmother's memorial service at how few people that were there. Out of her long life, only a handful of people showed up. Then, knowing she had to live the last years of her life without the one person she loved most, because he died before she did.

Love. It is one of the very few things I would give up everything to have, and yet it is the one thing I seem to fail horribly at in life. No matter how much, or how hard I love another, I am always left alone, or at least it feels that way sometimes. I have so much love to give, and just want some given back from time to time. I love all of my friends.

I can't remember the last time someone told me that they loved me.

Maybe that was the last time, and I just don't know it yet.

I dunno, I am just rambling at this point. I should probably just go to bed. Maybe I will lock myself in my apartment for a week, and see who comes looking for me first. I have lots of books, and lots of food. Maybe I will turn my new apartment into a digital hermitage.

Dammit zombies, hurry up and get here.

Im gonna go lay on the couch with a nice book now. It's too quiet and not even the music is helping.

We all fall down...

There are many things that people don't understand about human nature. Too many people assume too many things. Yet, we assume that other people must understand us in order to love us. We always assume that we are not worthy of that love. Perhaps we are not, but it doesn't mean we have not been given it none the less.

We can pick our friends, but we do not always get to pick the ones for whom we love.

“When I say, "I love you," it's not because I want you or because I can't have you. It has nothing to do with me. I love what you are, what you do, how you try. I've seen your kindness and your strength. I've seen the best and the worst of you. And I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are. You're a hell of a person."

~Tammy Helms

We must all learn to love, and accept the love of others. To treat that for what it is, and not squander it like it doesn't matter; Otherwise, all the stories will end the same, and we all fall down.

I fell down, but in time I got back up. Though I may carry a limp with me that will last, follow me, and haunt me for the rest of my life, I refuse to stop moving. While love itself will never fade.... ever.... I have chosen what to hold on to, and what to let go of. Sometimes letting go is harder.

I'm not looking back. I will fill the empty spaces with my own things.

The front door is no longer open, but locked.

The fool and the wind...

A fool fell in love with the wind
an eccentric breeze that brought
much comfort and solace
from the flames around him.
He whispered to it secrets,
words that no one else would know
and laughed in joy, watching
as the wind filled his sails.
In time the wind moved on.
He watched sadly as the wind
filled the sails of others
His companion was gone.
The wind fluttered about
and paid him no heed
the silence and stillness
painful, as he walked alone
he missed the wind, but the wind
did not miss him, or so it seemed,
content with the perfumes
of other suitors and sails.
He was noticed no more.
He cried out to the wind
but it paid no mind or heed
So, he walked alone, watching
as the wind blew quietly
around him, and the flames
soon, slowly consumed him.
The fool burned alone.

The Tin Man

The tin man walked a long and lonely road. Many things he passed on by, ignored because they offered nothing of value. Yet, one day he stumbled upon a porcelain doll, shattered upon the ground. He looked upon her, saw her heart and fell in love. Like one caring for a bird with a broken wing, he took to her.

He did his best to piece her back together. She was missing pieces. So, with love and patience, he took some of his own pieces to put her back together, including his own heart. In time, she healed, and became a whole person.

As one, they shared some parts, but remained still as two separate individuals.

They traveled for awhile, and along the way she showed the tin man new light, and he saw more of the world around him than just the road he traveled. They learned from each other. They cared for each other, and fast became the best of friends.

Yet, a day came when she left the tin man, and lovingly he let her take those parts they shared with her. She was happy, full of a new life and freedom. Why would he take that from her? He watched her skip ahead, on his now not so lonely road. Occasionally she would come back to oil the tin man, for through his missing parts, he would quickly rust and soon stop working.

She urged him along, tried her best to help him keep up. The tin man was slow to move, rusting and missing pieces, but he kept on going. He would always be there, right beside her.

The tin man was missing parts, though not for lack of looking. He will find them again. Even though he would have a hard time finding them on his own, as he was usually left to do, he would find them again. As long as she returned from time to time to keep the tin man oiled, he would eventually find all the parts he needed, and they both could soon have a traveling companion, on this long and winding road.
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New Twist

So, I have posted bits and pieces to a story that has been kicking around in my head, and I have decided that I wanted it to start a little differently. So, here is a new take on the same story. It's not much at the moment, but it got the ball rolling, and that is all i was looking to do at this time.

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